I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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