He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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