Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
