I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
