My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
