That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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