Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
i came on her dog
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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