Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
