i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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