I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
