Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Randomize
