You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
