I wish my penis had an off switch
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Reggie can tackle my bush.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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