We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
