woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
