I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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