Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
