My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
