they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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