I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
