Betty ford says i'm here all night
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
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