its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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