I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
don't judge my taste in strippers
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
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