Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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