eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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