as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
