I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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