I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
