First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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