why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
