I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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