I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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