You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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