My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
