I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
