im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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