Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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