My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
That accounts for only three of the penises
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
