Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
