If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I have aggressive nipples.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
