I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
