Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Where is the hickey?
sarcasm needs its own font
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
