i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
