i would punch a child for taco bell
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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