Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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