just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
