This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
