we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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