Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
