At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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