Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
