You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
