I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
