whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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