Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
