Just fell off a train. Bad.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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