this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
