if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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