Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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