I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
