You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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