I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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